The almost binge

I ordered a pizza for dinner last night. It wasn't an impulse decision. I carefully considered why I wanted it and whether it would fit within my calorie limit. I planned to eat only 2 slices (and put the rest in the freezer) and to have a big salad with it.

So I sat down with my planned meal and turned on a movie. I ate the first slice, then the salad, and everything was fine. One bite of the second slice and I was suddenly sliding toward Binge Land. I was eating in that bingey way - fast, almost manic, bites and not even tasting the food, and thinking about splurging on a third....or fourth....or fifth slice.

I ran to the kitchen and tossed all the remaining pizza into the garbage. Not gonna happen! I will NOT binge. I have been binge free for almost 3 months.

I'm not entirely sure what the trigger was. It was perhaps that weird "starvation" thing my mind does...eat it all RIGHT NOW because there will never be more. Or the mindset that junk food equals comfort so MORE junk food equals MORE comfort. Eating while watching a movie might have been part of it as well, because that is something I have avoided doing.

I don't know the why, but I do know that I avoided it. I'm giving myself a little applause for that. And the scale was down another .02 this morning so I'm still on plan.

EDITED: I think I had a lightbulb moment. I might have figured out what led to the binge.

I had an "I feel skinny day." A skirt that didn't make my tummy look ginormous, a sweater that fit just perfectly, and sexy Italian leather heels that showed off what running has done for my legs. I caught sight of myself, full length, reflected in a window, and did a double take.

It was awesome and empowering....but did it scare me? There is something frightening about becoming thin and beautiful. It feels safer to be fat and invisible.