Triumphant Thanksgiving

I did it! I survived Thanksgiving! I am triumphant!

And the unbelievable thing is, it wasn't even that difficult.

The hors d'œuvre and the desserts are usually my biggest downfall. But I completely kept myself in check. Just a wee bit of spinach-artichoke dip, only one bacon-wrapped-water-chestnut, only one wedge of cheese with a couple crackers, one bite of pumpkin roll....and yes, a whole (but small) piece of Pear Cranberry Pie. All I ate at lunch (and at dinner later) was turkey and a small serving of dressing. (Unfortunately the only "vegetables" were salads filled with fruit or floating in sweet dressing or camouflaged in mayonnaise. So no veggies for me).

I didn't really feel tempted to eat too much, and I never felt deprived. And this morning I'm not wishing I'd brought home a box of leftovers to consume at lunchtime.

The emotional aspect of this triumph is huge for me. If I can get through Thanksgiving, I can get through the rest of this weight loss....and live a happy healthy life.

And the very very bestest part? All the compliments on my weight loss from the relatives who haven't seen me since last Thanksgiving. :D

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am grateful that...

~I have lost 32.2 pounds so far this year!
~I have reclaimed my health
~I have learned new habits so I can maintain my health
~I have discovered the joy of running
~I have friends who have also become runners
~I have an online community of support to encourage me on this journey

Cleaning made easy

While on vacation, I spent a few days tacking the major Fall House Cleaning. Scrubbing walls, washing windows, laundering curtains, mopping floors, cleaning the refrigerator.

Honestly, cleaning is one of my least favorite activities. And in the past I especially hated it because it was uncomfortable and exhausting and left me aching for days. I still didn't enjoy the process this time, but I discovered something incredible. It wasn't physically challenging. I was able to bend, stretch, and stoop with ease. I didn't feel like an awkward elephant while on the step ladder. And I didn't experience a single ache or pain in the days following.

Who knew losing a little weight and working out on a regular basis could have such an awesome impact on daily life? I'm pretty much ridiculously happy about this.

My Vacation versus Mother Nature

Mother Nature is trying to throw the kabash into my vacation.

First, she arrived with her "monthly gift" which also features extreme fatigue, back ache, cramping, bloating, and salt cravings. (Meaning I want to lay in bed, eat potato chips, and sleep.)



She also is throwing a major weather temper tantrum - rainy and windy with gusts up to 70 mph. That certainly makes me want to go for a long run. Not.

Green Monster

When I was a little girl, if I acted jealous or envious, my grandma would tell me I was acting like a green monster.

Sometimes when it comes to diet and exercise, I feel like a green monster.

Jealous of people who can....
lose 6 pounds in a week
lose 50 pounds in 3 months
see steady downward movement on the scale
have a beautiful skinny face and "hide" all their fat in their hips
easily do yoga even when they're fat
run 10 miles
eat pasta and enchiladas and bread and chocolate cake and still lose weight

And on and on and on.

But I'm ME. This is MY journey. Yes, it's long and slow and frustrating. Yes, I'm not as flexible or strong as I wish I was. Yes, I have a chubby face and no hips. BUT I'm doing what works for me. I am smaller AND healthier than I was 6 months ago. This is the body that I have and in its own way its beautiful.

My grandma also said, "You'd best put that monster back in its cave."

Food for fuel

I am really training to teach my brain that food is fuel. It's not about taste or comfort or whatever, but what my body needs. I (try to) plan all my meals in advance so that I know I'm getting the right number of calories and macronutrients each day.

Yesterday it was rainy and chilly and I had a stressful morning at the office. I wanted so much to go to the diner for soup and a toasted cheese sandwich for lunch. But I knew this a bad choice - too much sodium, too many carbs, not enough protein. I also knew that it was a brain-want, not a body-need. And I had a packed lunch that was right on plan - food for fuel. It was a battle, but I ate that packed lunch. My brain wasn't happy, but my body was.

Today, the boss ordered pizzas for lunch. Pizza from my favorite local joint....and free. Again, I knew it was a bad choice - too many carbs, too many calories, not enough protein. So, I came home and ate the salad and the grapes that were on the plan, and fed my body instead of my brain. Food for fuel.

I feel victorious!

Just another week

This healthy journey I'm on is very cyclic. One week I'm über excited and motivated, the next week I'm all "Oh, this again." This week has been the latter. I stay on plan during these weeks but the enthusiasm is lacking. It's all good, though, because I think it prevents burn out.

I said all that to say that I don't have much to blog about this week.

I haven't weighed this week so I'm hoping the scale has happy news to report when I step on it again.

I got two compliments today, and I'm a bit embarrassed to confess how much those mean to me.

Saturday morning I did ALL of Jillian Michael's No More Trouble Zones DVD. (I usually just lay on the floor and watch through parts of it, but I was finally able to push myself through the whole thing.) And then on Sunday morning I ran a 5K distance and set a new PR both for the 5K distance AND a one mile pace. I hurt in ridiculous ways by Sunday evening, but even the pain was wonderful. Today I did 30 minutes on the stationary bike, and for the first time since I started using it, my thighs didn't feel like spaghetti all day.

I tried a couple new recipes. I need to do that or food gets b-o-r-i-n-g. The Fiery Lemon Glazed Chicken was spectacular! The Cauliflower "Mac" and Cheese was tasty but my brain was not fooled into thinking I was eating macaroni. It tasted like cauliflower with cheese sauce.

And that, my bloggy friends, is all I have to report.

The almost binge

I ordered a pizza for dinner last night. It wasn't an impulse decision. I carefully considered why I wanted it and whether it would fit within my calorie limit. I planned to eat only 2 slices (and put the rest in the freezer) and to have a big salad with it.

So I sat down with my planned meal and turned on a movie. I ate the first slice, then the salad, and everything was fine. One bite of the second slice and I was suddenly sliding toward Binge Land. I was eating in that bingey way - fast, almost manic, bites and not even tasting the food, and thinking about splurging on a third....or fourth....or fifth slice.

I ran to the kitchen and tossed all the remaining pizza into the garbage. Not gonna happen! I will NOT binge. I have been binge free for almost 3 months.

I'm not entirely sure what the trigger was. It was perhaps that weird "starvation" thing my mind does...eat it all RIGHT NOW because there will never be more. Or the mindset that junk food equals comfort so MORE junk food equals MORE comfort. Eating while watching a movie might have been part of it as well, because that is something I have avoided doing.

I don't know the why, but I do know that I avoided it. I'm giving myself a little applause for that. And the scale was down another .02 this morning so I'm still on plan.

EDITED: I think I had a lightbulb moment. I might have figured out what led to the binge.

I had an "I feel skinny day." A skirt that didn't make my tummy look ginormous, a sweater that fit just perfectly, and sexy Italian leather heels that showed off what running has done for my legs. I caught sight of myself, full length, reflected in a window, and did a double take.

It was awesome and empowering....but did it scare me? There is something frightening about becoming thin and beautiful. It feels safer to be fat and invisible.

Permission to relax

Between work and school I've had deadlines and obligations chasing me down with a vengeance for three months. I don't know when I last had a day off...a day when I didn't have something that HAD to be done. Plus I've been diligently running and (attempting) to monitor my food. I hadn't cleaned the house properly in ages and it was to the point that it was stressing me out.

I was completely utterly exhausted. And bitchy and weepy.

Friday afternoon I left work two hours early. I took a short nap then cleaned the house from top to bottom and did four loads of laundry. The rest of the weekend, I just gave myself permission to relax. I'm not thinking about the pile of work at the office or the list of assignments due for school. I HAVE to forget it all and relax.

Yesterday morning I ran a 5K which is actually relaxing and fun! :) In the afternoon, it was pouring rain, so I just laid in bed and read and slept. And in the evening I enjoyed a huge bowl of popcorn and two movies. Then I slept for 10 hours. Today I went shopping and came home and took a 3 hour nap. Tonight I think a pizza and movie are on the schedule.

I know I'm going to pay for this tomorrow - the amount of stuff that needs to be done is going to be enormous. But I just couldn't keep going like that anymore.

I guess the only reason I'm posting this is as a reminder to myself. Sometimes I just have to give myself permission to relax. Sometimes I just have to walk away from it all and recharge the batteries.

Pint-Sized Inspiration

Click on the link to go to this cute youtube video about a little girl's positive affirmations: How To Stay Positive

And check out this adorable video:

The scale must die

I have wanted to blow up the scale for several weeks. It has stubbornly been bouncing back and forth between 222 and 224 and refusing to go any lower.

But you know what the scale is completely oblivious to? It doesn't recognize the incredible increase in energy I've been feeling. It doesn't notice that I've lost so many inches that I don't really have any clothes that fit any more. It is unable to see the bones that are slowly emerging from beneath the layers of fat.

So, this afternoon, the scale got stuffed into the closet. It really doesn't have any right to sit there on the bathroom floor and mock me.

July 26 - I dragged out the scale this morning for a weekly weigh-in (because I'm participating in a challenge on 3FC and have a challenge partner so I can't drop out). And I lost 2.6 pounds this week! I almost felt like the scale was saying to me, "See? I can change the numbers ! Just please don't put me back in that closet!" LOL

This Isn't A Race

Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.

(Ralph Waldo Emerson)

Yesterday I wrote a post about my progress (or lack of progress) in June. I only lost 6 pounds. I only made it to Week 3 of C25K. Why do I feel disappointed that I didn't meet some arbitrary milestones? Because I'm being impatient.

I scoff at the people who post frantic messages at 3FC. "How can I lose 25 pounds in a month?" "If eat only 800 calories a day, will I lose faster?" "If I eat only veggies (or grapefruit or protein drinks or...) will I lose faster?" "If I exercise 5 hours a day, 7 days a week, can I lose 100 pounds in 3 months?" But, don't I have the same mentality? I may not be resorting to desperate measures, but that impatient little voice in my head is definitely screaming, "Faster! Faster! Faster!"

Shut up. This isn't a race.

Milestones are useful as markers of achievement but they are not meant to be goals to sprint toward. Losing 10% of my body weight will be fantastic. Getting below 200 will be amazing. Reaching the 180s will be mind-boggling. Being able to run a mile will be spectacular. Competing in my first 5K will be a triumph. But I can't attach a carved-in-stone date to any of those things or I'm only setting myself up for disappointment and failure.

I love this quote by Emerson: "Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience." Spring in Ohio this year was glorious. Everything slowly unfolded in a riot of brilliant greens, dazzling rainbows, and new life. The tree by my front door quietly awakened and each day I could see a new bud, a new bit of yellow creeping toward green, a leaf gently unfolding into the warm sunshine. The full blossom didn't happen overnight; it was a slow and patient process.

This is how I want my journey to wellness to be. I don't want to get so blinded by the mental image of a tree in full summer glory that I forget to enjoy the slow and silent majesty of the creeping springtime.

Thud

I fell. Hard.

The only good news is that I see the pattern.

This evening I was musing on the 'why' behind my emotional problem with food. I've been pondering how I can be such an overachieving control freak but also be so out-of-control with food. I started to make some connections. When I was a kid, my parents were hypercritical and demanding. They accepted nothing less than the best. The one place of comfort, the one time when I didn't feel like I was doing everything wrong, was at the dinner table. And as an adult, I've always set expectations for myself that I cannot possible achieve, and I always feel like I'm failing. Food, though, I can do. It's safe and comfortable and I'm an all-star binger.

And I did what I always did. I denied all the pain those thoughts were dredging up. I thought I was ok. And I started to think about that hot fudge sundae that has been tormenting me for days. I totally convinced myself that I could eat just one or two bites.

I went to McD's and ordered the sundae. When I got to the drive-through window, the girl said they'd accidentally made two and I could have the extra one if I wanted it. I took it. And then...thud. Typical binge eating - I ate so fast I didn't even taste it.

Thud.

BUT I'm going to pick myself up off the ground. I'm going to do C25K in the morning. I'm going back on plan tomorrow. And I'm going to remember the pattern that led to this, because I can, and will, break this cycle.

Not surprising - my food log today (pre-binge) totally sucked. I skipped lunch because I wasn't hungry, and only had 1070 calories, 52 carbs, and 64 protein for the day. Even the astronomical numbers for the binge didn't put me too far off course. Why was my food so bad today?

The Wall

I hit the wall tonight.

I had this horrible moment when all I wanted was a hot fudge sundae. With extra hot fudge. And nuts. And whipped cream. And a cherry. The more I thought about it, the more futile and pointless the whole dieting thing seemed to be. It's going to take forever and what's the freaking point anyway?!?

I let myself be in that place for a while. I wallowed in the self-pity. I cried for a bit. I took a nap.

Then I went out on the porch and ate a plum and watched the sun set. I got over the wall. But I don't want to forget how scarey it was to find myself face-to-face with Giving Up.

Added the next morning:
I set down and wrote the progress I've made. Three weeks ago I got exhausted walking from my front door to my car. Now I'm able to run for 90 seconds. Three weeks ago I could barely do the stretches to warm up to run. Now those exercises are easy. Six weeks ago I felt ugly and fat every single time I got dressed. Now I'm putting clothes in the Goodwill pile. Six weeks ago I felt tired and fuzzy all the time. Now I have energy and feel focused. It's tiny...but it's progress.

Reflection of Me

My secretary and I were comrades in an unhealthy lifestyle.

Starting the day with 2 cups of coffee and 2 cigarettes.
One or two days of the week, one of us would go to the coffee shop on the corner for pastries.
Take-out for lunch.
Drinking a pot and a half of coffee and smoking throughout the day.
Eating chocolate whenever we were stressed.
Always tired and grumpy.
Frequently complaining of tummy aches or headaches.
Making self-deprecating comments about being fat.

As I have embarked on a journey of wellness and she has continued on the old path, it's very enlightening to see my old self reflected in her behavior. And I'm definitely hoping I'm influencing her to change as well.

Thwarted

I was thwarted by Wal*Mart this evening. All day I was thinking about Totino's Pizza Rolls. I'm not sure why, it's never been one of my favorite foods. Nasty little bundles of chemicals masquerading as nutrition.

By the time I went shopping, I had totally justified the purchase of those Pizza Rolls. (I would eat only as many as was within a reasonable calorie/carb amount. And I could just deal with the little tummy ache from the wheat in the "crust.")

So, I strolled down the frozen aisle on a quest for Pizza Rolls. Hrm, not in the pizza section. Not in the snack section either. Maybe the frozen meal section? Nope. I walked up and down those two frozen aisles over and over again for twenty minutes.

There were NO pizza rolls in all of Wal*Mart. Inconceivable! Sheer coincidence saved me from a dietary disaster.

Deception

I just learned how deceptive my brain can be.

I decided to calculate how many calories my weekend binges were so I could see just how horribly awful they were. Both Saturday and Sunday were around 3,000 calories.

And do you know what my brain started doing? It tried to tell me that wasn't really so bad. It tried to tell me that I can eat up to 2,200 calories a day to maintain my weight (according to online calculators)...so another 800 wasn't that huge of deal.

Bad brain. Bad bad bad. Shut up.

Confession

If I'm not going to be real and true and honest about this, I might as well not even do it.

I can justify my lifelong problem with food six-ways-to-Sunday and I can make all the excuses that I want about why I failed at my last diet. But the big ugly horrifying truth is that I have an elephant-sized problem with food. And ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't mean that there is not an elephant in the room.

Last night, I made a midnight run to Taco Bell.

Ok, maybe that's not a massive slip-up. BUT did I admit it on the 3FC forum this morning? Did I write about it in the first blog post I wrote today? No, I didn't. And it's not just the embarrassment of admitting that I did it. No, it's the acknowledging of WHY I did it. I have never ever never allowed myself to see all the feelings that lead up to a bad food choice or a binge. This morning, I forced myself to explore everything that led to that trip to Taco Bell.

It was a bad week. Bad food choices. Insomnia. Stress. I was physiologically prone to a binge. And yesterday I wrote the "My Life Story" page for this blog. There was a lot of deep painful stuff in what I wrote, but I pushed it away. It wasn't a conscious thing. I just disconnected from all the hurt and humiliation and rejection and frustration and fear. If I ignore it, it's not real.

But ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't mean that there is not an elephant in the room.

The only way my subconscious knew how to deal with all that stuff that kept threatening to rise to the surface was to convince me to silence it with food. And I did. But that elephant is a living breathing thing and it's going to get hungry again. How long am I going to keep feeding it?