Confession

If I'm not going to be real and true and honest about this, I might as well not even do it.

I can justify my lifelong problem with food six-ways-to-Sunday and I can make all the excuses that I want about why I failed at my last diet. But the big ugly horrifying truth is that I have an elephant-sized problem with food. And ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't mean that there is not an elephant in the room.

Last night, I made a midnight run to Taco Bell.

Ok, maybe that's not a massive slip-up. BUT did I admit it on the 3FC forum this morning? Did I write about it in the first blog post I wrote today? No, I didn't. And it's not just the embarrassment of admitting that I did it. No, it's the acknowledging of WHY I did it. I have never ever never allowed myself to see all the feelings that lead up to a bad food choice or a binge. This morning, I forced myself to explore everything that led to that trip to Taco Bell.

It was a bad week. Bad food choices. Insomnia. Stress. I was physiologically prone to a binge. And yesterday I wrote the "My Life Story" page for this blog. There was a lot of deep painful stuff in what I wrote, but I pushed it away. It wasn't a conscious thing. I just disconnected from all the hurt and humiliation and rejection and frustration and fear. If I ignore it, it's not real.

But ignoring the elephant in the room doesn't mean that there is not an elephant in the room.

The only way my subconscious knew how to deal with all that stuff that kept threatening to rise to the surface was to convince me to silence it with food. And I did. But that elephant is a living breathing thing and it's going to get hungry again. How long am I going to keep feeding it?