EXERCISE
I was always an active kid; I played outdoors a lot and rode a bike. I was not, however, athletic. I hated phys ed class with a vengeance!
There are two specific things I remember. (It's weird what gets stuck in your brain.) In third grade, we had to do a "fitness exam" and were required to do basic exercises (sit-ups, push-ups, etc) a certain number of times. I could not do a sit-up. Not even one. At that point, I wasn't even chubby but for some reason it was just impossible.
The other incident was in the eighth grade when we were required to run a mile. I was handling the running okay, and then, about halfway through, my bra strap broke. My 34D boobs were flying loose and I had to try to finish the last half mile because I was too embarrassed to tell the teacher.
That summer I tried dieting and exercising. I felt awkward and stupid because I didn't know what I was doing and I gave up. By the time I graduated high school, I'd basically decided there was no hope that I would ever be physically fit.
Twenty years passed and I gained nearly a hundred pounds. (More about that below) A doctor told me that I HAD to lose weight and exercise, and he made it very clear what the consequences would be if I didn't. He scared me.
I went to the gym, and I basically said, "I'm fat and uncoordinated. What can I do?" Their answer? Aqua aerobics. I tried it. I loved it. The instructor was fun, most of the women in the class were older than me (no cute skinny young girls), and all my awkwardness and fat was hidden by water. I was almost 40 years old and just discovering that I COULD exercise and that I COULD enjoy it.
About 2 months later I ventured out of the water and onto the treadmill. When I first started, I couldn't even do a half mile, but I didn't give up. I slowly worked up to being able to sustain a fast walk for about three miles.
I felt healthier than I ever had in my life. Then I started college and a new job, and the aqua aerobics classes no longer fit in my schedule. I was also frustrated because I'd hit a plateau in my weight loss. Rather than looking for solutions or alternatives, I gave up. (Concluded below)
DIET
My father is a farmer, and my mother cooks like a farm wife. Childhood meals were big and hearty. Meat, potatoes, gravy, bread, dessert. Family meal time was a very important part of the daily schedule.
I loved sweets and they were part of the routine at the homes of elderly relatives. Grandpa and Grandma always had cookies. My other grandma always had a jar of M&Ms. My great aunt had a stash of mini Milky Ways in the hutch in her dining room.
I was a pretty lean kid until I was about 10 years old. I gained quite a bit of weight rather quickly. Comparing my third grade photo to my fourth grade photo is shocking. And the horror of having to buying "husky" jeans for back-to-school is an unforgettable humiliation. (What sick & twisted designer decided to call slightly larger clothes "husky" anyway?)
It was around this time that I started to get "weird" about food. I stashed junk food in my bedroom. I'd get up in the middle of the night and binge. When I'd visit a friend's house, I'd raid the cupboards.
When I was 12 years old, I became friends with two girls who taught me the fine art of shoplifting. They stole lip gloss and Cosmo. I stole food.
When I was about 14, I tried to "diet" but my whole concept was that meant I had to eat nothing but lettuce and cottage cheese. It lasted (at most) 2 weeks.
I got my drivers license at 16 AND a McDonalds was built in the town where I lived. I stole money from my parents to go on MickeyD's binges.
When I graduated from high school, I weighed close to 200#. I'm 5'6" so this was about 40 or 50 pounds overweight.
Living on my own, my food choices got worse. I pretty much lived on fast food and junk food. My drinking got out of control. And the binges were bigger and more frequent.
I thought about food constantly. I would eat massive quantities of food. To understand what I mean by massive....I would stop by the gas station and buy 5 or 6 candy bars and a 2-liter of soda, and then go to McDonald's (Big Mac, 10-piece nugget, large fries), Taco Bell (2 tacos, nachos supreme, enchirito) and Subway (12-inch BMT). Or I'd bake a batch of chocolate chip cookies and order a large pizza. I would eat all that food in one sitting and I did this at least once a week.
My relationship with food got even weirder. There was something comforting about acquiring the food, whether that was shopping and cooking, or going through the drive-through. But at the same I was totally disconnected from the experience of eating. I never really tasted it nor did I have any actual memory of eating. I never felt stuffed or ill, either.
I tried to "diet" two different times, once at about 28 and again when I was in my early thirties. Just as I had when I was 14, I did what I thought sounded like a diet. Cereal for breakfast, salad for lunch, no dinner. My blood sugar plummeted, I was starving, and I felt utterly miserable. I'd rather be fat.
I next diet I tried was when I about 36. I'd done a little more research at that point and tried the GI Diet. My blood sugar skyrocketed and I had migraines. I also had major gastro issues. (I realize now that was because the GI Diet encourages a lot of "good carb" whole grains, and my body doesn't like grains - good or bad.) Despite how horrible I felt, I stuck to that diet for 3 months. And gained 25 pounds! That was my all-time high of 280.
The Turning Point happened while reading a magazine at the laundromat. (Really!) I read an article about PCOS and suddenly all my symptoms and problems had a name. The cravings for sugar and carbs, the problems with my blood sugar, the weight gain, not having periods. I had every single symptom and behavior associated with PCOS.
I did a ton of research before consulting a doctor. I found a doctor who specialized in PCOS and went to him with complete documentation of what I believed were my symptoms. He did a total blood workup and an ultrasound, and confirmed my self-diagnosis.
He told me all the medication in the world wouldn't help the PCOS symptoms if I didn't diet and start exercising. (I weighed 273# at that point.) At this time, I was also diagnosed with a rather serious illness. I was quite sick for most of a year and lost about 50 pounds "by accident."
I recovered, and started working more seriously at weight loss and health. I lost about another 25 pounds.
But I wasn't really following any specific plan, and my eating habits really hadn't improved much. I was just eating less and doing some moderate exercise (walking and aqua aerobics).
Then I hit a plateau and I got frustrated. I quit going to the gym. I started eating more, and more of the wrong foods.
And I slid downhill for three years.
But I'm trying again and I'm gonna do it this time. I really am!
11 months ago
