Thud

I fell. Hard.

The only good news is that I see the pattern.

This evening I was musing on the 'why' behind my emotional problem with food. I've been pondering how I can be such an overachieving control freak but also be so out-of-control with food. I started to make some connections. When I was a kid, my parents were hypercritical and demanding. They accepted nothing less than the best. The one place of comfort, the one time when I didn't feel like I was doing everything wrong, was at the dinner table. And as an adult, I've always set expectations for myself that I cannot possible achieve, and I always feel like I'm failing. Food, though, I can do. It's safe and comfortable and I'm an all-star binger.

And I did what I always did. I denied all the pain those thoughts were dredging up. I thought I was ok. And I started to think about that hot fudge sundae that has been tormenting me for days. I totally convinced myself that I could eat just one or two bites.

I went to McD's and ordered the sundae. When I got to the drive-through window, the girl said they'd accidentally made two and I could have the extra one if I wanted it. I took it. And then...thud. Typical binge eating - I ate so fast I didn't even taste it.

Thud.

BUT I'm going to pick myself up off the ground. I'm going to do C25K in the morning. I'm going back on plan tomorrow. And I'm going to remember the pattern that led to this, because I can, and will, break this cycle.

Not surprising - my food log today (pre-binge) totally sucked. I skipped lunch because I wasn't hungry, and only had 1070 calories, 52 carbs, and 64 protein for the day. Even the astronomical numbers for the binge didn't put me too far off course. Why was my food so bad today?